A clip from the movie (500) Days of Summer. Highly recommend.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Life Changes, destruction and creation, expectations vs. reality
Things that I'd really like to write about this week. Not much of a blog if I keep just posting reminders to myself of what I WANT to write about, but never actually write! I commit to writing this week - at least on these topics if not the topics of last week! For now, Mad Men, prayer, mediation, sleep. I have school early in the morning and Mondays are LONG days for me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
So much to write
I think that tomorrow, after school, I'm coming home instead of my typical Wednesday routine. There's so much I need to get done around the house. And there's a lot I want to catch up on with my writing here. I'm taking steps to make some big changes in my life and I'm also in a bit of a reflective mood over how much things have changed for me in the last few months. Every time I want to get on here and write though, its too late at night and I can't think anymore or I just have too much to do. I need to get some stuff out, though. So.... I think that's the plan. :)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Power to the Peaceful
My first PTTP festival. It was an amazing day all around. I'll write about it this week.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Autobiography
So I have to write an autobiographical essay for my english class. It only has to be 5-6 pages and it should focus on an event (or small series of events) or a person that changed my life, my perspective.
I've been thinking a lot about this. There have been a lot of events and people that have changed my perspective, but I'm not sure how to go about writing them. I was talking to my friend Deana on the way home last night and I think I know what I'm going to do.
Early 2007, there was a man named Joe who had a big impact on me. I was living in a treatment facility at the time and he was the head chef there. In December, I had started working with him in the kitchen and he started to teach me cooking skills. We jokingly called it an internship. Anyway, he was a recovered alcoholic who had been saved and was born again Christian. He never, ever talked about his spirituality with me. Our relationship was solely based on him teaching me to cook and we were very professional. But on January 10, we got to talking as I cleaned the kitchen. I started telling him about my past and some of the stuff from my childhood that I don't talk much about. At one point, he stops me to say that its no wonder I found solace in drugs and alcohol and that I was spiritually sick. He asked me if he could pray for me. Now... this wasn't the first time that some crazy born again asked me if they could pray for me. I hated it when they would do that; it felt invasive.
But... for some reason, this time I said yes. He took me out back and began to pray for me. At first, I was embarrassed and I worried what anybody who saw us would think. Then, after a few minutes, things started to change. I closed my eyes and all I could hear was Joe's voice. And he prayed different than I had ever heard anybody pray before. He swore and spit while praying (New York Italian, you know... spitting and cursing is his is blood). Its really hard for me to explain what was happening in my soul during these few minutes. There was just his voice and the warmth of the sun with the chill of the morning breeze. Nothing else mattered, no other sounds, no people, nothing. When I opened my eyes, things looked different. I had no idea, at the time, what was happening. Even now, years later, when I look back I'm not sure what happened.
I think I was so desperate for something to change, something to be right. I was tired and full of anger and pain. I hated the world and felt like everything was against me. Without realizing it, somewhere in that desperation, I longed for hope. I needed to feel like things were ok. So... I grabbed on to God. I became a Christian that day; I still refer to it as the day I got saved.
Its strange for me to look back now and say that. I don't follow that same path anymore and I won't refer to myself as Christian. Since that day, I've had multiple spiritual experiences and awakenings. My spirituality is dynamic, constantly changing. I'm all about peace and love and acceptance of all people. I don't want to talk down on religion in any way at all, but when I was involved in a church up here, I lost that.
I'll have to brainstorm it more and really figure out what I want to write about the experience. Sometimes I find it a bit difficult to put my deepest feelings into words, but I'll give it a shot. I'll post it once its written.
I've been thinking a lot about this. There have been a lot of events and people that have changed my perspective, but I'm not sure how to go about writing them. I was talking to my friend Deana on the way home last night and I think I know what I'm going to do.
Early 2007, there was a man named Joe who had a big impact on me. I was living in a treatment facility at the time and he was the head chef there. In December, I had started working with him in the kitchen and he started to teach me cooking skills. We jokingly called it an internship. Anyway, he was a recovered alcoholic who had been saved and was born again Christian. He never, ever talked about his spirituality with me. Our relationship was solely based on him teaching me to cook and we were very professional. But on January 10, we got to talking as I cleaned the kitchen. I started telling him about my past and some of the stuff from my childhood that I don't talk much about. At one point, he stops me to say that its no wonder I found solace in drugs and alcohol and that I was spiritually sick. He asked me if he could pray for me. Now... this wasn't the first time that some crazy born again asked me if they could pray for me. I hated it when they would do that; it felt invasive.
But... for some reason, this time I said yes. He took me out back and began to pray for me. At first, I was embarrassed and I worried what anybody who saw us would think. Then, after a few minutes, things started to change. I closed my eyes and all I could hear was Joe's voice. And he prayed different than I had ever heard anybody pray before. He swore and spit while praying (New York Italian, you know... spitting and cursing is his is blood). Its really hard for me to explain what was happening in my soul during these few minutes. There was just his voice and the warmth of the sun with the chill of the morning breeze. Nothing else mattered, no other sounds, no people, nothing. When I opened my eyes, things looked different. I had no idea, at the time, what was happening. Even now, years later, when I look back I'm not sure what happened.
I think I was so desperate for something to change, something to be right. I was tired and full of anger and pain. I hated the world and felt like everything was against me. Without realizing it, somewhere in that desperation, I longed for hope. I needed to feel like things were ok. So... I grabbed on to God. I became a Christian that day; I still refer to it as the day I got saved.
Its strange for me to look back now and say that. I don't follow that same path anymore and I won't refer to myself as Christian. Since that day, I've had multiple spiritual experiences and awakenings. My spirituality is dynamic, constantly changing. I'm all about peace and love and acceptance of all people. I don't want to talk down on religion in any way at all, but when I was involved in a church up here, I lost that.
I'll have to brainstorm it more and really figure out what I want to write about the experience. Sometimes I find it a bit difficult to put my deepest feelings into words, but I'll give it a shot. I'll post it once its written.
Monday, September 7, 2009
One Step Closer
I love this song; definitely one of my favorites. The song itself always makes me think of a good friend of mine, but the true meaning of the song brings me to God. One step closer. I especially love this video because of what he says about courage in the beginning of it.
Long Weekend
20 minutes ago, I felt like I had so much to write. Now, I'm sleepy and that's probably the worst time for me to write.
3 day weekend, filled with all kinds of emotional shit. I think its probably best that I do some pen on paper writing.
Quick rehash:
Friday - somebody who used to be a really good friend of mine has told me she doesn't want me to be a part of her life anymore because of stuff she saw on facebook. I kinda knew it was coming and wasn't totally surprised, but it still hurt. Our friendship has been slowly falling apart for a few months, so I've already done some mourning around it. But it sucks.
Friday night I went to see some friends of mine who have a band play at the Fox and Goose in downtown Sacramento. I've been trying to get to one of their gigs for awhile, now. They are really good. One of them plays the keyboard, one a guitar and the other plays a clarinet. All three of them take turns singing. It was a lot of fun. After the show, a few of us girls went over to Faces to get our groove one. I was wearing the WAY wrong shoes so my feet were killing me rather quickly. Bummed. But we had a really good time.
Saturday was frustrating and busy. I got an email from my ex that he moved close to me and is working at the Safeway by my house. I stopped over there to say hello to him and, for the first time, felt nothing for him. It was exhilarating! He told me that another good friend of mine from the past was working up the street at Auto Zone so I went to go see her. She was so excited to see me! It was great. When I got home, I was working on my car (long story for another post sometime) when my neighbor and his mechanic friend came over to help me. Turns out I was wasting my time and the mechanic helped me to figure out what was wrong (at least partially). I put the car back together. A few hours later, my best friend (who lives in San Jose), picked me up on her way back from her mom's in Auburn and brought me to San Jose with her. YAY.
I got to spend all day Sunday with my San Jose friends, who are amazing people that I love love love to be around. Late Sunday night, a group of about 12 of us went to see the movie "Extract." It was pretty funny and the company was great.
Monday morning Ramona (my bestie) and I made breakfast for our friend Nancy and Monday afternoon, my friends Charisma and Staci drove me back home to Sacramento.
Sometimes, its hard for me to come back from San Jose trips. And right now, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life. It all seemed to culminate in my crazy head as soon as I was home. I got sad and lonely right away and I started to think about all the things that are going wrong, or not how I want them to go. I'm stressed about my car and finances, I feel like I'm failing some of my friends, my heart is in the wrong place around a guy, I'm lonely, I'm struggling with my weight, I lost a good friend, etc etc. No bueno. But, by the end of the night, myself and 3 other girls all sat in the living room and talked about random crap. Most of the talk was about men. I'll write more on all that later. What I ended up with was a possible new woman to work with. :) One person really working with and identifying with another produces amazing results. Now I'm feeling pretty good. And nothing has changed. The crap is still there, but I'm looking at it from another perspective.
I trust that God is everything and he's got better plans for me than I do. I just have to start taking the right steps to get myself out of the rut and back into the full swing of life. I need to go back to looking and what I can do, each day, to work towards the next goal.
3 day weekend, filled with all kinds of emotional shit. I think its probably best that I do some pen on paper writing.
Quick rehash:
Friday - somebody who used to be a really good friend of mine has told me she doesn't want me to be a part of her life anymore because of stuff she saw on facebook. I kinda knew it was coming and wasn't totally surprised, but it still hurt. Our friendship has been slowly falling apart for a few months, so I've already done some mourning around it. But it sucks.
Friday night I went to see some friends of mine who have a band play at the Fox and Goose in downtown Sacramento. I've been trying to get to one of their gigs for awhile, now. They are really good. One of them plays the keyboard, one a guitar and the other plays a clarinet. All three of them take turns singing. It was a lot of fun. After the show, a few of us girls went over to Faces to get our groove one. I was wearing the WAY wrong shoes so my feet were killing me rather quickly. Bummed. But we had a really good time.
Saturday was frustrating and busy. I got an email from my ex that he moved close to me and is working at the Safeway by my house. I stopped over there to say hello to him and, for the first time, felt nothing for him. It was exhilarating! He told me that another good friend of mine from the past was working up the street at Auto Zone so I went to go see her. She was so excited to see me! It was great. When I got home, I was working on my car (long story for another post sometime) when my neighbor and his mechanic friend came over to help me. Turns out I was wasting my time and the mechanic helped me to figure out what was wrong (at least partially). I put the car back together. A few hours later, my best friend (who lives in San Jose), picked me up on her way back from her mom's in Auburn and brought me to San Jose with her. YAY.
I got to spend all day Sunday with my San Jose friends, who are amazing people that I love love love to be around. Late Sunday night, a group of about 12 of us went to see the movie "Extract." It was pretty funny and the company was great.
Monday morning Ramona (my bestie) and I made breakfast for our friend Nancy and Monday afternoon, my friends Charisma and Staci drove me back home to Sacramento.
Sometimes, its hard for me to come back from San Jose trips. And right now, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life. It all seemed to culminate in my crazy head as soon as I was home. I got sad and lonely right away and I started to think about all the things that are going wrong, or not how I want them to go. I'm stressed about my car and finances, I feel like I'm failing some of my friends, my heart is in the wrong place around a guy, I'm lonely, I'm struggling with my weight, I lost a good friend, etc etc. No bueno. But, by the end of the night, myself and 3 other girls all sat in the living room and talked about random crap. Most of the talk was about men. I'll write more on all that later. What I ended up with was a possible new woman to work with. :) One person really working with and identifying with another produces amazing results. Now I'm feeling pretty good. And nothing has changed. The crap is still there, but I'm looking at it from another perspective.
I trust that God is everything and he's got better plans for me than I do. I just have to start taking the right steps to get myself out of the rut and back into the full swing of life. I need to go back to looking and what I can do, each day, to work towards the next goal.
Monday, August 31, 2009
What are we so afraid of?
I'm a church crasher. I like to say I'm unorganized about organized religion. I like to visit and explore other people's religions. So, I will randomly attend Catholic services, various Christian churches, Buddhist temples, etc. All pretty streamline stuff so far, but I'd like to extend that out a bit.
Of all the churches I've visited, one particularly stood out. It's the Unitarian Universalist Society of Sacramento (http://www.uuss.org). My friend Steve is on the leadership team and I met him there a few months ago to check it out. I really liked the minister and could really get down with the message he was sharing that day. I went back this past Sunday and was, once again, moved by what he was talking about. The title of the sermon was "Finding the Soul." He talked about how the word soul means different things to different people and also about how we tend to adopt identities that we present to the world. These are usually to protect us in some way and keep us out of trouble.
He also talked about the importance of being present and listening to other people; not always jumping in to offer validation or advice. He spoke of the importance in learning to just listen. Anyway, at one point, he asks us to sit and look into the person's eyes next to us. For two whole minutes. In silence. I happened to be sitting next to a woman I didn't know. I turn to look at her and I can't even begin to tell you how uncomfortable we both were! Do you have any idea how long 2 minutes is??? She and I couldn't just look into each other's eyes for more than a couple of seconds before one or the other of us would stray.
It got me thinking. What are we so afraid of people seeing? What are we afraid of seeing in somebody else? The eyes alone are so full of expression. Pain, joy, suffering, compassion... these emotions show just in our eyes. How strange is that? I mean... they are just part of our anatomy. Having a stranger just stare into my eyes for only a few seconds brought me to tears. Reading by her body language and obvious discomfort, it was bringing up emotions for her, too.
When service was over, I was talking about this to my friend Chandra and I realized that even while talking to her, I couldn't meet her eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. I would find constant reasons to turn my eyes to something else, not to stare too long. But there is something about just being present, not averting eyes, not invading or evading, just listening that is a great gift.
I think its something I'm going to work on. Being present has been my main topic of the last few weeks. This is just yet another example of how to try doing that. Eye contact. :)
Of all the churches I've visited, one particularly stood out. It's the Unitarian Universalist Society of Sacramento (http://www.uuss.org). My friend Steve is on the leadership team and I met him there a few months ago to check it out. I really liked the minister and could really get down with the message he was sharing that day. I went back this past Sunday and was, once again, moved by what he was talking about. The title of the sermon was "Finding the Soul." He talked about how the word soul means different things to different people and also about how we tend to adopt identities that we present to the world. These are usually to protect us in some way and keep us out of trouble.
He also talked about the importance of being present and listening to other people; not always jumping in to offer validation or advice. He spoke of the importance in learning to just listen. Anyway, at one point, he asks us to sit and look into the person's eyes next to us. For two whole minutes. In silence. I happened to be sitting next to a woman I didn't know. I turn to look at her and I can't even begin to tell you how uncomfortable we both were! Do you have any idea how long 2 minutes is??? She and I couldn't just look into each other's eyes for more than a couple of seconds before one or the other of us would stray.
It got me thinking. What are we so afraid of people seeing? What are we afraid of seeing in somebody else? The eyes alone are so full of expression. Pain, joy, suffering, compassion... these emotions show just in our eyes. How strange is that? I mean... they are just part of our anatomy. Having a stranger just stare into my eyes for only a few seconds brought me to tears. Reading by her body language and obvious discomfort, it was bringing up emotions for her, too.
When service was over, I was talking about this to my friend Chandra and I realized that even while talking to her, I couldn't meet her eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. I would find constant reasons to turn my eyes to something else, not to stare too long. But there is something about just being present, not averting eyes, not invading or evading, just listening that is a great gift.
I think its something I'm going to work on. Being present has been my main topic of the last few weeks. This is just yet another example of how to try doing that. Eye contact. :)
From facebook to blogging
So I'm starting to blog. Really.... maybe this is the results of a simple question and some random conversations.
In the beginning of this year, I decided to get a facebook account. There have been many pros and cons to this plan, but mostly its been good. I like the networking aspect of it, as well as the opportunity to be voyeuristic. :) I got into it pretty quickly and a little obsessively, at first. I totally abused status updates and everybody knew everything that was going on with me at all times. I got sucked in.
Not long after this started, I was listening to NPR and there was a story about blogging. I can't remember exactly what it was, but the main premise was that people who blog tend to feel happier and more socially connected than those who don't. Shortly after I heard the story, my older brother brought it up to me. For many months, now, I've just used facebook as a mini blog.
Yesterday evening, I was having dinner with some of my family. My uncle asked me about how many times a day do I estimate myself to log onto facebook. I couldn't really answer. I mean, I have it pretty much open on my computer at all times. Not in class or when I'm driving, but if I'm on the computer, its on. And when I'm on a road trip and not driving... I'll check it on my phone. And if I'm sitting in a coffee shop somewhere. And before I go to bed. And... when I wake up. And right now. So.... yeah. A lot. :)
What I like about it is that I feel connected to everybody. But there is stuff that's going on that takes a little more time and thoughts to fully express. And stuff I'm not sure I want everybody to read.
So... here we go. My own blog. Hooray! I'm horrible with titles and this one is partially stolen from from William James's "Varieties of Religious Experience."
More to follow....
In the beginning of this year, I decided to get a facebook account. There have been many pros and cons to this plan, but mostly its been good. I like the networking aspect of it, as well as the opportunity to be voyeuristic. :) I got into it pretty quickly and a little obsessively, at first. I totally abused status updates and everybody knew everything that was going on with me at all times. I got sucked in.
Not long after this started, I was listening to NPR and there was a story about blogging. I can't remember exactly what it was, but the main premise was that people who blog tend to feel happier and more socially connected than those who don't. Shortly after I heard the story, my older brother brought it up to me. For many months, now, I've just used facebook as a mini blog.
Yesterday evening, I was having dinner with some of my family. My uncle asked me about how many times a day do I estimate myself to log onto facebook. I couldn't really answer. I mean, I have it pretty much open on my computer at all times. Not in class or when I'm driving, but if I'm on the computer, its on. And when I'm on a road trip and not driving... I'll check it on my phone. And if I'm sitting in a coffee shop somewhere. And before I go to bed. And... when I wake up. And right now. So.... yeah. A lot. :)
What I like about it is that I feel connected to everybody. But there is stuff that's going on that takes a little more time and thoughts to fully express. And stuff I'm not sure I want everybody to read.
So... here we go. My own blog. Hooray! I'm horrible with titles and this one is partially stolen from from William James's "Varieties of Religious Experience."
More to follow....
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